Sheer dumb idiot luck is what saved Capt. Peter Peachfuzz on the old Rocky and Bullwinkle show and it saved the asses of Team Big Brother and Team Such As this week. I should have known something would keep them from being eliminated and it was Joe's arrogance. While driving on their mobile pit stop Husband Overlord Joe bragged how even with his bum knee he could still beat all the other teams. I thought Wifey Heidi was going to break into "Something Wonderful" from "The King and I" after she spoke of their bond of unconditional love. Sorry, but that should have tipped me off quicker than a Project Runway designer calling a loved one on their I-phone. Louie and Michael had it in for Joe and Heidi and a U-Turn was coming up.
BTW, this is another indication that the budget has been cut--yet another bus ride. But it did save us time during the episode so there was no hanging around an airport or train station.
The fix was definitely in to keep the beautiful but dumb people on the show and I can't really blame the producers. (Just kidding, don't wanna be sued.) The dumb people make better TV than Steve and Allie, the father-daughter team, who are sweet to each other and boring as hell. So they leave from this mystery location St. Menehould in France. Heidi goes "I love driving through the French countryside" and they cut to a shot of nothing but fog.
Team Big Brother leaves a full three hours behind everybody else and they can't even figure out how to navigate a roundabout. They've obviously never driven in New England. Team Such As is not much better. Brent has the dead-eyed look of a soulless zombie like Caite has sucked his soul out during the night. The gay/straight brothers are beginning to get like the gay brothers of last season--bickering over everything. The lesbians--specifically Brandy--are beginning to get to me. Carol's not so bad, but Brandy is just bitching about everything. She began the episode with this bright sunny attitude but it was shot to hell as soon as she found out she had to crawl on the ground. What did you think was gonna happen? Carol was so right in her physical task-vs.-needle in a haystack analogy. The only team that did the Morse Code was screwed. I hope Brandy appreciated that when she saw this episode.
Anyway, the main action of the episode was the battle for the bottom. Joe and Heidi were U-turned and must have spent at least three hours on that Morse code challenge while Team Such As had to bicycle all the way back and get their clue and Team Big Brother had to perform their lame-ass speed bump (Build a fence, what a challenge!) It turns out Brent doesn't know north from south either. I should make a list of his lack of skills. Despite all these obstacles and their sheer brain-deadness, Such As and Big Brother pull ahead of Morse Codeless Joe and Heidi who huddle like whipped dogs in the trenches as Phil has to go to them to deliver the bad news.
I have to admit I would have missed Jeff and Jordan if they were eliminated. Who could resist Jeff's total cluelessness over not finding the clue in the baguette. He reminded me of this octopus I had seen in a nature documentary. The octopus is presented with a bowl with a tasty fish inside. The bowl is corked. It takes the octopus 45 minutes to figure out he has to remove the cork to get to his lunch. Jeff had the same octopus-like blank expression of not realizing his objective is in his hands, all he has to do is take it. Both Jeff-Jordan and Brent-Caite appear exhausted and are now realizing this race is hard work, unlike hanging out in the Big Brother house or smiling and waving during a beauty pageant or tensing your pecs during a photo shoot. The previews shows Brent and Caite cracking under pressure next week, but it will probably be a two-parter or some other ploy to prolong the agony. The champagne-glass tower looks as if they will still be in France for episode six. Another budget saving measure, no doubt.
I predict Such As and Big Brother will not last much longer. Then the lesbians and the brothers will find their constant fighting will be their undoing, leaving the cowboys, the detectives, and the father-daughter team.
Day 7--overnight mobile pit stop from Hamburg to Les Monthairns, France.
Day 8--Drive from Les Monthairns to St. Menehould for bread clue, then to Le Main de Messiges for WWI battlefield challenge, bicycle four miles
Leaderboard
Jet and Cord--two wins, Loot: two sailboats, trip to Patagonia
Louie and Michael--two wins, Loot: two Discover Cards worth $5,000 each, two 55-inch HD TVs
Jeff and Jordan--one win, Loot: trip to Vancouver
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